Changes...

Taking new directions and forming new impressions of what I thought I knew.

Fake it until you make it?

Every time I try to fake it, I flake it.  :)  I used to be able to just go with the flow of everyday corporate crap but for some reason or another, I have reached a plateau that I can not return.  The endless red tape, nonsensical processes, the superior-like mindset, the complete disregard for human life accept for their own.  I guess it is really true that once we know better, we must do better.

Now I must say, I am usually intensely reflective before a birthday (which is 6/19) and I have this need to think about my past decisions and how not only have I changed but what have I added to this world?

I must say, "nothing" for the last year.

I'm sitting here at my desk at this huge corporation and everything is the same.  It is fake and pointless and dull and destructive. 

I thought that I had pulled myself up from my slump, but I wonder if I never did?  Maybe I just pulled myself from the bottom, but I never cleared the ditch.

Furthermore, as of late, I keep making the choice to take the wrong path (towards success) even though I know that it takes away from what's true more than what it gives back.  I have been in deep thought over how I could work for a corporation that would tell someone that even though they are sick, that if they leave that they will receive a disciplinary action which resulted in the employee going to the E.R.  This deeply bothers me as I know this is not acceptable; it is not humane.

So I know what you are thinking (as am I), so now what?

Here's what I do know, I will soon change my path again.  I am vowing to give back and take less.  I am vowing to be the one that stands up to the "machine" and say "no" - it is not acceptable.

OK, so enough of that.  My birthday is tomorrow and I am planning a very relaxing day of good music, good food and good fun.  I have nothing planned but sometimes nothing is everything and more.

Later.

Shakira - Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) (The Official 2010 FIFA ...

You've gotta be kidding me....

Every week, we are suppose to submit feedback regarding the training process and for the last 2 weeks since we've had someone new, they have completely disregarded this process.

Here's the deal, someone said in class today that maybe things would improve if we wrote down what should be improved... and suddenly, with the ignored matter being address, the "trainer" decided to request that everyone submit their suggestions.  I ignored him, of course.

Oh, I forgot to say that on day 1 of having this new trainer that we had "words".  I said exactly what I felt and how ridiculous I thought he was and it's a done deal.

I will just say this, negative energy just builds more negative energy.  This is a proven fact. 

What's even more ridiculous is that he is taking away from the company and they are blind to this fact. 

Check the history of the dinosaurs.

OK... so listen to this -

Once upon a time in a land far far south, there was this guy that started this new job (as most people know) and everything was good.  Um, perfect even.   He was pretty excited and overall morale was great.  He gave his-self fully.  They painted a picture of this great kingdom with gum drops and chocolate for breakfast.  This environment where everyone sang in unisom and held hands and laughed; they played.  At last, nothing ever stays the same - HUH.

So suddenly a darkness came over the kingdom and everything quickly changed for the worst.  This normally gentle being had to release the beast.  He became resentful and full of anger.  There was a great divide and nothing will ever be the same for him or this kingdom. 

As he gathered himself, he realized that no place of work in this world deserved this type of energy and this mythical loving kingdom never existed.  It was all a rouse.  A sad, ugly, unkind, loud-mouthed, ego-tistical rouse.

So he let it go.  He let it all go.  And He regained his composure.  He regained his life-force.  He regained his "fight" and went on with his eyes wide open to exist in this new day.

The END.

Question.... what do you think the moral of the story is?

I'm back and better than ever....

Ok, so let's be real here.  That other place did not work out.  Um... I knew that on day week, then 1 week and then the last day.  It was hillarious though how it ended.  I just let and was like, whatever, I'm not coming back.  Even though I was pretty much offered a leadership role, the company sucked.

Dear Corporations a/k/a Dinosaurs:

You must evolve or die.

I will share more later.

Dreaming while awake.

It's almost been a month since I last posted anything and I have no excuse.  I was texting with a friend the other day and I had casually mentioned that I really didn't have any memory of the last few weeks.

I can just remember going to work and home.  The deal is that I used to be able to work and do a job whether or not I felt a connection with it.   Everything has completely changd now and it completely drains me to think of that place.  I'm sure we've all been there before so my situation is really quite "normal".

So what I've decided to do is to make sure that I blog no less than every other night before bed.  I'm going to carve that time out to write down my thoughts and decompress.

Later

FLASH BACK...... My Thoughts

This was written by me and posted on my myspace page, December 19, 2007:

Invisibly Magnificent


I am open.


Vulnerable to this time and space.

Restless nights seem to become more.

I see not until now.

I have done it again.

This cycle is on repeat.

Just Stop!

Just Stop!

Yet I remain the ghost.

Invisibly magnificent.

Intelligent.

Weak.

Those eyes, that smile.

You.

This cycle is on constant repeat.

And Like a thief, you take my breathe.

My beat.

My life.

I do not want this.

I feel helpless.

Hopeless.

Afraid.

Blinded by your energy.

Your glory.

I stand before you……… empty.

Yet full of you.

In my eyes, a ghost.

Again, restlessness pours down.

Confused and ashamed.

I become an infant in your glory.

If I make it thru again,

I will give anything.

Anything not to feel.

Not to breathe.

Not to cry.

Not to have this restlestness.

To be this ghost.

Your rest is endless.

I'm not as lucky.

But I am invisible.

Magnificent.

Confused.

Lost.

A child.

I acknowledge this cycle of repeat.

I press stop.

I want this not.

I can't.

And somehow won't.

You owe me this.

You owe me nothing.

I lay.

Wide awake.

Open.

Vulnerable.

A ghost created by me.

The What, When & Why's

At what point in time did it become acceptable for a place of opportunity to demand from you more than humanly possible? I mean, the demands are beyond the reimbursement for the act. Who was that first person that said, ok I will accept your abuse and try my best to live off of "nothing" because I need a job. The fact is, there's no corporation without employees, so why do we accept this abuse? Can someone tell me why?

Maybe there is an "I" in "Team".

I sat in my first team meeting this weeking and there was a common theme.  I constantly heard the phrase "my team" and after that I really couldn't tell you what was said because I wasn't listening and neither was anyone else.  The body language of the group was one of distance and lack of interest.  But this was definitely understandable afterall we don't really "show up" for things that we don't feel connected to right?

Anyway, a co-worker asked me what I thought about the job so far with a smirk and kind of a wink.  I said, well I haven't been here 30 days yet but something is definitely odd or interesting.  She said, "ok, just wait a little longer".  I asked her to elaborate but she wouldn't.  She just smile and her facial impression said it all.  She very clearly affirmed everything that I had observed and had mentioned since week 1.

The good news is, at the end of the "my" team speech, the "leader" did affirm that we are all on the same team which completely erased the 50 times she said "my and mine" during the meeting, right?

Steadily approaching day 30....

And it all seems like a blurr.  I can't believe it has been almost a month. 

So if time flies by when we are having fun, then does time race at the speed of light when you're in hell?  Just saying.

Before I forget, Happy "VD" people.  I had to work today so I didn't have to endure all of the madness.  I even received a very thoughtful text message from a friend which said:  "Even tho u don't endulge.... Happy Valentines Day sweetie."  For those of you who don't know, I was on a rant a couple of months ago about people and the holidays and blah blah blah so I know exactly where she was coming from and I understand completely.

Let me take a moment to clear my name (LOL).  I do not hate or boycott any "holiday"; rather I just don't see them to be any special than any other day.  I guess what I'm saying is that if I am boycotting, it would be the commercialism of everything and the massive debt that it creates. 

Picture this:  Easter.  What comes to mind?  I'm sure in the top 10 would probably be a new pastel colored suit, hard-boiled eggs, marshmallow ducks and a basket.  Ha ha ha ha !!  I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that, I'm just saying that I choose not to give it much value.  Holidays are what we decide.

My favorite holiday used to be "Drunk Sunday".   Every Sunday I would go out for mexican food and tons of margaritas with friends and drink until we could no longer speak.  Afterwards, we would crawl into bed and dream "like there was no tomorrow".  It was completely perfect and a once a week celebration that I am planning to bring back soon.  I feel drunk just thinking about it... but I digress.

It's been a month and what have I learned from life and this experience:  Simply put... just listen, follow your heart and take chances.  No one has ever created the life of their dreams by playing it safe and coloring inside the lines.

Note to self:  "Time to get more crayons."

Dear "People of the Sauce":  Drunkenly spending money at a "bar" that you don't have (or will remember spending) does not equate fraud or beget you into a victim.  FYI.

September by. Earth, Wind and Fire

My song of the day...and this never gets old or boring!! Loves it.

It's Friday morning and I am so over this place. I am doing some heavy soul searching to find a smile. Wish me LUCK or pour me a drink!!  Preferrably the latter.  :)

EGo

So I've been thinking:

Are we truly shocked when something tragic happens (like death, illness, etc.) in our circle?  Or does the shock stem from the re-acknowledgment of the reality that we truly can not be the center of everything? 

There are many factors in life that we really have no control of..... we have to adjust the best we can.  Even still when tragedy happens, we often feel as if "our" world has ended.  This great tragedy can sometimes quickly become this big self-attention-getting act of injustice done to us.

Are we really that selfish?  Is everything really about "us"?

A snow day returneth !! (Beginning of Week 4)

Ok so here's the deal, I was trying to be a good boy and I went to work this morning.  But guess what??  Not a dang member of "leadership" was there.  Not a 1 of them.

Go figure.

Now I know that you may be in shock right now so I'll give you a few minutes to breathe and get a glass of water.

And....... welcome back!

Now then, I wasn't shocked or surprised being that this very thing had happened the week prior.  And not that I actually care, I just thought it was hillarious since just a couple of weeks prior they (the supposed-leaders) were doing herkies and hand-stands about how much they love work and the importance of showing up everyday (thankfully I'm not buying what they are selling).

I mean, paint me old fashioned but a leader leads by example.  The absurdness of "do what I say not what I do" doesn't even work with children.  Plus it creates a bigger division which decreases morale and productivity... blah blah blah. 

With all of that said, I am completely disappointed that I've had 2 snow days in the last 2 weeks and I was so irresponsibly responsible that I got out of bed at 6am, had breakfast, showered, dressed and went to work for a half day.  Why oh why didn't I just follow the lead and sleep in, have a bloody mary at 9am with my eggs and live the good life.  Apparently everyone else did.

Right!?!

What year did you feel the most content with life?

For me, it's 2003.

I felt really settled.  I was (still am) very comfortable with the paths that I had chosen.  I was eager, loved, and loving.

That's why I love music so.... .all it took was me finding some digital music from 03'/04' era and all of those feelings from then has resurfaced.  That year was the year before I made some vast changes in my life.  But as we all know, never get to comfortable, because life will shake everything up..... make you re-think everything and hopefully make us stronger.

I was so different then but in some ways the same, you know?  I was broken-hearted but hopeful and so full of life.  Sometimes I think, at what point did I give up?  ....on my dreams and my desires and my future and settled for... anything.

It seems as though I have come full-circle and I am not fighting this rather accepting what is because it is the present.  I am learning from the mistakes I made and I've flagged those paths that I took that are dangerous (and often too exciting) for me.

Still, I can't help but wander how it would feel just to let go again and just go........ no mind.

Change is the one thing that is truly inevitable.

Thursday - Week 3 (And it keeps getting better and better)

So here's the deal, I told "leadership" yesterday what everyone was thinking (I'm always pulling for the under-dog).    I told them it was frustrating and unacceptable to have road blocks in the way of success and I made it very clear that it is "leadership's" responsibility to remove in "blocks" that was in the way of success.   I knew the response I would get, but I had to hear it.  Are you ready?  I was told, "I know and I'm sorry.  I have expressed that opinion many times but nothing has changed." 

HA HA HA HA HA!!!

They too have given up. 

Dear Big Corporations,

If you are still curious about why you are not succeeding, then you must live under a rock.

Love,

Me.

I'm at work today and the overall morale is low. The little things does matter and can quickly make work stressful, insignificant and just blah. Week 3!!

Exactly what's needed

I've been thinking lately about my path and my past which has shaped who I am.  Time seems to have picked up the pace a bit more.  I have now been in Little Rock for 3 months and I can't really tell you what I've done or why.  But here's what I do know, I painted this picture.  I am the creator.

So...... on Friday, the weather was challenging and that gave a lot of people a 3 day weekend.  I'm sure everyone needed a long weekend.  Strangely though, it didn't seem any longer or shorter.  It seems as if time is but an abstract idea.  Well, correction, there is no time rather a perception of it.  3 days can seem like a life time and it can equally seem like 1 night.

Turning the auto-pilot off isn't as easy as it may seem at first.  Which auto-pilot you ask?  Well, I mean, living life without even being present.  Mostly, while we are in the shower, we are thinking about what we need to do when we get out of the shower and a lot of times, we step out of the shower and don't even remember feeling the water on our face.  But we know that we did take the shower.  We have become these robots.  I can remember driving to work many many times and pulling up to the building and not even remember driving, just obsessively trapped in a cycle of endless thoughts.

But enough about that.  Here's the bottom line:  Life will give you the exact experience that is needed to obtain what you really want from life.

Right now, I need to write without the filters that's usually turned on HIGH so that I can re-visit these thoughts and continue to grow.

Life does move very quickly, and during this very fast long weekend, yet another light was turned down. 

I breathe and I move forward.

Now as far as the new job goes, it's ok.  But just ok.  The positive to that situation is that the days go by fast and my insurance will be active tomorrow.  YAY!!!!

But this I will say, once you open your eyes and see that you are in a cage.... a cage that was created to keep you looking forward and never around, you can't pretend like the cage doesn't exist.  With that said, ignorance can very much be oh so blissful.

What is this place? I am just laughing at the thought of being here. But I'm very curious about the outcome. Ok, back to prison for now. :-)

Oh... It's Wednesday already.

Ever wondered how you got to that place that you are in right now?  I'm beginning to get it more and more.  All of the decisions that we made (small and large) shaped this current place.  This current place is exactly what I asked for but strangely is not what I want.

I have already begun shutting down and shifting myself into auto-pilot mode.

We all (or most of us) have to work to make money inorder to survive, but when did we accept the fact that we would give up humanity to step into a prison for at least 8 hours a days just to make it.  And is just "making it" living?  Is this why we were put here to become robots?  To make other people richer?

A large group of people obviously had this part very right by banning against big corporation.  They are like these monstrous vacuum cleaners sucking the very life force out of the entire world as we sit and watch yet do nothing.

Today is Wednesday (week 2) and I already feel my inner-self saying "no".

 But I am soldering on....

Today will be a good day.

Later.

A new week

It's Monday morning.. and I'm having my green tea.  I had this great idea last night that I should go to bed early which ended in me waking up at 4:30 am.  Oh well, it was a good plan in theory.

But I can say this, I am beginning to become more focused again.  Slightly, but that is better than not at all.  I still feel like I'm not heading in the right direction, but that will eventually change.

All things must end to make way for the new.  This statement was on my mind a lot this weekend.  I'm still pondering this..... partly because the me that I was is no more.

Ok, I'm off to the shower to begin a new day.

Later.

Yay!!!! It's Friday!

This week flew by and I'm soooo glad that it's Friday.  I've managed to keep a semi-positive attitude.  Oh and I've been sleeping better; not 6 to 8 hours yet but my sleep patterns will eventually return to normal.  I'm about to shower and mentally prepare for another day.  Hmmm... .let me find some upbeat music to set the tone of the day.

:)

Fast, Cheap, Good

This pyramid was heavy on my mind last night.  I kept thinking about it:

So the options are either:

• Fast and good or
• Good and cheap or
• Fast and Cheap

The bottom line is that one area would suffer if the focus is shifted to another area.  Is balance possible?

Well...

I'm having reservations..... ugh.  That's about all I can say.

Morning of Day 2....

So I've had my breakfast and some green tea and I'm about to shower.  Oh, last night's sleep wasn't that well either.  But I guess that will change or I will have to force it at the end of the week with a good ole dose of ambien... let's hope I don't sleep drive my car to taco bell in the middle of the night :)

But anywho, I've been thinking this morning about this phrase that I constantly hear.  It is the phrase: "...good job".

What does that mean?  We've all heard it before, "well I have a good job so.....".  Or "you better not quit because you have a good job..."

Over the years, when I've heard that phrase, I've always wondered "the why" and "what"?  Is it just a programmed response?  Kinda like we are suppose to grow up, get married, get a "good job" and get the 2.5 kids.   Have we been programmed to breeze through life like zombies?  No original ideas or outlooks. Rather just needing the next person ("the Jones's" ) to see that you have the life and that "good job".

What ever happened to the people that stepped out of that box and went for their own true happiness?  And where is this "good job"?  I feel like I am one of those persons, but not that I can talk to much since I was once a zombie working 12 hours days for about 7 years and was seen to be very successful.  Second thought, I've not yet been "married" and don't see the 2.5 kids on the horizon so maybe I am doomed to be cast to that island of people "who just don't get it".  Maybe I'm just a misfit  :(

Hmmm... maybe I'm gearing up for round 2 or maybe I'm checking out of the rat race.

Maybe I should just shower, put on my "drone suit", stop for a Starbucks, get it to work and stop thinking.  LOL.

Today will be very interesting.  I am soldiering on...

I almost forgot... I starting writing something new.

Ok, I started writing this the other day and it's just in the beginning stages.  It has a long way to go.  These words started coming to me late one night and I wrote them down and they are beginning to form a piece.

Here's what I have so far:

"Word Sounds"

Ideas resonate like bombs


Thoughts racing thru pastures

Happiness existing in nerves and mind

Darkness seems only real.

No constant like nomads.

Complacement in this place.

Belonging to space but no time.

No longer remembering a touch.


I will post the final offerings after it has had time to reveal itself and marinate.  :)

So Much Fun...

Today went the way that I expected it too.  You know... plenty of cheerleading and then we were assigned our "prison ID badges" and assigned to our cells.  Geez.... I definitely understand why so many people are on hooked on anti-depressants and become zombies. 

So, here's to hoping that I will be able to sleep better tonight.  I am so exhausted that my vision is blurred.

But I remain as optimistic as possible.  :)

Tomorrow will be "Day 2".

PS.  The good thing is that my insurance benefits will begin in 2 weeks according to policy so at least that's a big plus.

Day Freakin 1....

I'm optimistic but a bit tired. I couldn't sleep last night. Maybe it was the thought that I have to make it 90 days through the cold/flu symptom without getting sick or the knowing of this employers unrealistic expectations (I interviewed with about 30 companies and all of them had unrealistic demands that caused even more stress). Or it could have been the fact that I have a very personal issue that I am dealing with that is weighing heavily on my mind. Who knows...??

I have had breakfast and I'm about to shower. I'm going to play some classical music that is inspiring and uplifting and then.... hope for the best.

The first day is orientation day. Those are always a joy LOL. The whole day of listening about how wonderful the company is and knowing that some of the people that are giving the speeches are probably on probation because they had a sick kid and they had to use unexcused personal time off.

But this is the world that we live in... right?

Stay tune.