FLASH BACK...... My Thoughts

This was written by me and posted on my myspace page, December 19, 2007:

Invisibly Magnificent


I am open.


Vulnerable to this time and space.

Restless nights seem to become more.

I see not until now.

I have done it again.

This cycle is on repeat.

Just Stop!

Just Stop!

Yet I remain the ghost.

Invisibly magnificent.

Intelligent.

Weak.

Those eyes, that smile.

You.

This cycle is on constant repeat.

And Like a thief, you take my breathe.

My beat.

My life.

I do not want this.

I feel helpless.

Hopeless.

Afraid.

Blinded by your energy.

Your glory.

I stand before you……… empty.

Yet full of you.

In my eyes, a ghost.

Again, restlessness pours down.

Confused and ashamed.

I become an infant in your glory.

If I make it thru again,

I will give anything.

Anything not to feel.

Not to breathe.

Not to cry.

Not to have this restlestness.

To be this ghost.

Your rest is endless.

I'm not as lucky.

But I am invisible.

Magnificent.

Confused.

Lost.

A child.

I acknowledge this cycle of repeat.

I press stop.

I want this not.

I can't.

And somehow won't.

You owe me this.

You owe me nothing.

I lay.

Wide awake.

Open.

Vulnerable.

A ghost created by me.

The What, When & Why's

At what point in time did it become acceptable for a place of opportunity to demand from you more than humanly possible? I mean, the demands are beyond the reimbursement for the act. Who was that first person that said, ok I will accept your abuse and try my best to live off of "nothing" because I need a job. The fact is, there's no corporation without employees, so why do we accept this abuse? Can someone tell me why?

Maybe there is an "I" in "Team".

I sat in my first team meeting this weeking and there was a common theme.  I constantly heard the phrase "my team" and after that I really couldn't tell you what was said because I wasn't listening and neither was anyone else.  The body language of the group was one of distance and lack of interest.  But this was definitely understandable afterall we don't really "show up" for things that we don't feel connected to right?

Anyway, a co-worker asked me what I thought about the job so far with a smirk and kind of a wink.  I said, well I haven't been here 30 days yet but something is definitely odd or interesting.  She said, "ok, just wait a little longer".  I asked her to elaborate but she wouldn't.  She just smile and her facial impression said it all.  She very clearly affirmed everything that I had observed and had mentioned since week 1.

The good news is, at the end of the "my" team speech, the "leader" did affirm that we are all on the same team which completely erased the 50 times she said "my and mine" during the meeting, right?

Steadily approaching day 30....

And it all seems like a blurr.  I can't believe it has been almost a month. 

So if time flies by when we are having fun, then does time race at the speed of light when you're in hell?  Just saying.

Before I forget, Happy "VD" people.  I had to work today so I didn't have to endure all of the madness.  I even received a very thoughtful text message from a friend which said:  "Even tho u don't endulge.... Happy Valentines Day sweetie."  For those of you who don't know, I was on a rant a couple of months ago about people and the holidays and blah blah blah so I know exactly where she was coming from and I understand completely.

Let me take a moment to clear my name (LOL).  I do not hate or boycott any "holiday"; rather I just don't see them to be any special than any other day.  I guess what I'm saying is that if I am boycotting, it would be the commercialism of everything and the massive debt that it creates. 

Picture this:  Easter.  What comes to mind?  I'm sure in the top 10 would probably be a new pastel colored suit, hard-boiled eggs, marshmallow ducks and a basket.  Ha ha ha ha !!  I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that, I'm just saying that I choose not to give it much value.  Holidays are what we decide.

My favorite holiday used to be "Drunk Sunday".   Every Sunday I would go out for mexican food and tons of margaritas with friends and drink until we could no longer speak.  Afterwards, we would crawl into bed and dream "like there was no tomorrow".  It was completely perfect and a once a week celebration that I am planning to bring back soon.  I feel drunk just thinking about it... but I digress.

It's been a month and what have I learned from life and this experience:  Simply put... just listen, follow your heart and take chances.  No one has ever created the life of their dreams by playing it safe and coloring inside the lines.

Note to self:  "Time to get more crayons."

Dear "People of the Sauce":  Drunkenly spending money at a "bar" that you don't have (or will remember spending) does not equate fraud or beget you into a victim.  FYI.

September by. Earth, Wind and Fire

My song of the day...and this never gets old or boring!! Loves it.

It's Friday morning and I am so over this place. I am doing some heavy soul searching to find a smile. Wish me LUCK or pour me a drink!!  Preferrably the latter.  :)

EGo

So I've been thinking:

Are we truly shocked when something tragic happens (like death, illness, etc.) in our circle?  Or does the shock stem from the re-acknowledgment of the reality that we truly can not be the center of everything? 

There are many factors in life that we really have no control of..... we have to adjust the best we can.  Even still when tragedy happens, we often feel as if "our" world has ended.  This great tragedy can sometimes quickly become this big self-attention-getting act of injustice done to us.

Are we really that selfish?  Is everything really about "us"?

A snow day returneth !! (Beginning of Week 4)

Ok so here's the deal, I was trying to be a good boy and I went to work this morning.  But guess what??  Not a dang member of "leadership" was there.  Not a 1 of them.

Go figure.

Now I know that you may be in shock right now so I'll give you a few minutes to breathe and get a glass of water.

And....... welcome back!

Now then, I wasn't shocked or surprised being that this very thing had happened the week prior.  And not that I actually care, I just thought it was hillarious since just a couple of weeks prior they (the supposed-leaders) were doing herkies and hand-stands about how much they love work and the importance of showing up everyday (thankfully I'm not buying what they are selling).

I mean, paint me old fashioned but a leader leads by example.  The absurdness of "do what I say not what I do" doesn't even work with children.  Plus it creates a bigger division which decreases morale and productivity... blah blah blah. 

With all of that said, I am completely disappointed that I've had 2 snow days in the last 2 weeks and I was so irresponsibly responsible that I got out of bed at 6am, had breakfast, showered, dressed and went to work for a half day.  Why oh why didn't I just follow the lead and sleep in, have a bloody mary at 9am with my eggs and live the good life.  Apparently everyone else did.

Right!?!

What year did you feel the most content with life?

For me, it's 2003.

I felt really settled.  I was (still am) very comfortable with the paths that I had chosen.  I was eager, loved, and loving.

That's why I love music so.... .all it took was me finding some digital music from 03'/04' era and all of those feelings from then has resurfaced.  That year was the year before I made some vast changes in my life.  But as we all know, never get to comfortable, because life will shake everything up..... make you re-think everything and hopefully make us stronger.

I was so different then but in some ways the same, you know?  I was broken-hearted but hopeful and so full of life.  Sometimes I think, at what point did I give up?  ....on my dreams and my desires and my future and settled for... anything.

It seems as though I have come full-circle and I am not fighting this rather accepting what is because it is the present.  I am learning from the mistakes I made and I've flagged those paths that I took that are dangerous (and often too exciting) for me.

Still, I can't help but wander how it would feel just to let go again and just go........ no mind.

Change is the one thing that is truly inevitable.

Thursday - Week 3 (And it keeps getting better and better)

So here's the deal, I told "leadership" yesterday what everyone was thinking (I'm always pulling for the under-dog).    I told them it was frustrating and unacceptable to have road blocks in the way of success and I made it very clear that it is "leadership's" responsibility to remove in "blocks" that was in the way of success.   I knew the response I would get, but I had to hear it.  Are you ready?  I was told, "I know and I'm sorry.  I have expressed that opinion many times but nothing has changed." 

HA HA HA HA HA!!!

They too have given up. 

Dear Big Corporations,

If you are still curious about why you are not succeeding, then you must live under a rock.

Love,

Me.

I'm at work today and the overall morale is low. The little things does matter and can quickly make work stressful, insignificant and just blah. Week 3!!