Exactly what's needed

I've been thinking lately about my path and my past which has shaped who I am.  Time seems to have picked up the pace a bit more.  I have now been in Little Rock for 3 months and I can't really tell you what I've done or why.  But here's what I do know, I painted this picture.  I am the creator.

So...... on Friday, the weather was challenging and that gave a lot of people a 3 day weekend.  I'm sure everyone needed a long weekend.  Strangely though, it didn't seem any longer or shorter.  It seems as if time is but an abstract idea.  Well, correction, there is no time rather a perception of it.  3 days can seem like a life time and it can equally seem like 1 night.

Turning the auto-pilot off isn't as easy as it may seem at first.  Which auto-pilot you ask?  Well, I mean, living life without even being present.  Mostly, while we are in the shower, we are thinking about what we need to do when we get out of the shower and a lot of times, we step out of the shower and don't even remember feeling the water on our face.  But we know that we did take the shower.  We have become these robots.  I can remember driving to work many many times and pulling up to the building and not even remember driving, just obsessively trapped in a cycle of endless thoughts.

But enough about that.  Here's the bottom line:  Life will give you the exact experience that is needed to obtain what you really want from life.

Right now, I need to write without the filters that's usually turned on HIGH so that I can re-visit these thoughts and continue to grow.

Life does move very quickly, and during this very fast long weekend, yet another light was turned down. 

I breathe and I move forward.

Now as far as the new job goes, it's ok.  But just ok.  The positive to that situation is that the days go by fast and my insurance will be active tomorrow.  YAY!!!!

But this I will say, once you open your eyes and see that you are in a cage.... a cage that was created to keep you looking forward and never around, you can't pretend like the cage doesn't exist.  With that said, ignorance can very much be oh so blissful.

What is this place? I am just laughing at the thought of being here. But I'm very curious about the outcome. Ok, back to prison for now. :-)

Oh... It's Wednesday already.

Ever wondered how you got to that place that you are in right now?  I'm beginning to get it more and more.  All of the decisions that we made (small and large) shaped this current place.  This current place is exactly what I asked for but strangely is not what I want.

I have already begun shutting down and shifting myself into auto-pilot mode.

We all (or most of us) have to work to make money inorder to survive, but when did we accept the fact that we would give up humanity to step into a prison for at least 8 hours a days just to make it.  And is just "making it" living?  Is this why we were put here to become robots?  To make other people richer?

A large group of people obviously had this part very right by banning against big corporation.  They are like these monstrous vacuum cleaners sucking the very life force out of the entire world as we sit and watch yet do nothing.

Today is Wednesday (week 2) and I already feel my inner-self saying "no".

 But I am soldering on....

Today will be a good day.

Later.

A new week

It's Monday morning.. and I'm having my green tea.  I had this great idea last night that I should go to bed early which ended in me waking up at 4:30 am.  Oh well, it was a good plan in theory.

But I can say this, I am beginning to become more focused again.  Slightly, but that is better than not at all.  I still feel like I'm not heading in the right direction, but that will eventually change.

All things must end to make way for the new.  This statement was on my mind a lot this weekend.  I'm still pondering this..... partly because the me that I was is no more.

Ok, I'm off to the shower to begin a new day.

Later.

Yay!!!! It's Friday!

This week flew by and I'm soooo glad that it's Friday.  I've managed to keep a semi-positive attitude.  Oh and I've been sleeping better; not 6 to 8 hours yet but my sleep patterns will eventually return to normal.  I'm about to shower and mentally prepare for another day.  Hmmm... .let me find some upbeat music to set the tone of the day.

:)

Fast, Cheap, Good

This pyramid was heavy on my mind last night.  I kept thinking about it:

So the options are either:

• Fast and good or
• Good and cheap or
• Fast and Cheap

The bottom line is that one area would suffer if the focus is shifted to another area.  Is balance possible?

Well...

I'm having reservations..... ugh.  That's about all I can say.

Morning of Day 2....

So I've had my breakfast and some green tea and I'm about to shower.  Oh, last night's sleep wasn't that well either.  But I guess that will change or I will have to force it at the end of the week with a good ole dose of ambien... let's hope I don't sleep drive my car to taco bell in the middle of the night :)

But anywho, I've been thinking this morning about this phrase that I constantly hear.  It is the phrase: "...good job".

What does that mean?  We've all heard it before, "well I have a good job so.....".  Or "you better not quit because you have a good job..."

Over the years, when I've heard that phrase, I've always wondered "the why" and "what"?  Is it just a programmed response?  Kinda like we are suppose to grow up, get married, get a "good job" and get the 2.5 kids.   Have we been programmed to breeze through life like zombies?  No original ideas or outlooks. Rather just needing the next person ("the Jones's" ) to see that you have the life and that "good job".

What ever happened to the people that stepped out of that box and went for their own true happiness?  And where is this "good job"?  I feel like I am one of those persons, but not that I can talk to much since I was once a zombie working 12 hours days for about 7 years and was seen to be very successful.  Second thought, I've not yet been "married" and don't see the 2.5 kids on the horizon so maybe I am doomed to be cast to that island of people "who just don't get it".  Maybe I'm just a misfit  :(

Hmmm... maybe I'm gearing up for round 2 or maybe I'm checking out of the rat race.

Maybe I should just shower, put on my "drone suit", stop for a Starbucks, get it to work and stop thinking.  LOL.

Today will be very interesting.  I am soldiering on...

I almost forgot... I starting writing something new.

Ok, I started writing this the other day and it's just in the beginning stages.  It has a long way to go.  These words started coming to me late one night and I wrote them down and they are beginning to form a piece.

Here's what I have so far:

"Word Sounds"

Ideas resonate like bombs


Thoughts racing thru pastures

Happiness existing in nerves and mind

Darkness seems only real.

No constant like nomads.

Complacement in this place.

Belonging to space but no time.

No longer remembering a touch.


I will post the final offerings after it has had time to reveal itself and marinate.  :)

So Much Fun...

Today went the way that I expected it too.  You know... plenty of cheerleading and then we were assigned our "prison ID badges" and assigned to our cells.  Geez.... I definitely understand why so many people are on hooked on anti-depressants and become zombies. 

So, here's to hoping that I will be able to sleep better tonight.  I am so exhausted that my vision is blurred.

But I remain as optimistic as possible.  :)

Tomorrow will be "Day 2".

PS.  The good thing is that my insurance benefits will begin in 2 weeks according to policy so at least that's a big plus.

Day Freakin 1....

I'm optimistic but a bit tired. I couldn't sleep last night. Maybe it was the thought that I have to make it 90 days through the cold/flu symptom without getting sick or the knowing of this employers unrealistic expectations (I interviewed with about 30 companies and all of them had unrealistic demands that caused even more stress). Or it could have been the fact that I have a very personal issue that I am dealing with that is weighing heavily on my mind. Who knows...??

I have had breakfast and I'm about to shower. I'm going to play some classical music that is inspiring and uplifting and then.... hope for the best.

The first day is orientation day. Those are always a joy LOL. The whole day of listening about how wonderful the company is and knowing that some of the people that are giving the speeches are probably on probation because they had a sick kid and they had to use unexcused personal time off.

But this is the world that we live in... right?

Stay tune.