Changes...

Taking new directions and forming new impressions of what I thought I knew.

Fake it until you make it?

Every time I try to fake it, I flake it.  :)  I used to be able to just go with the flow of everyday corporate crap but for some reason or another, I have reached a plateau that I can not return.  The endless red tape, nonsensical processes, the superior-like mindset, the complete disregard for human life accept for their own.  I guess it is really true that once we know better, we must do better.

Now I must say, I am usually intensely reflective before a birthday (which is 6/19) and I have this need to think about my past decisions and how not only have I changed but what have I added to this world?

I must say, "nothing" for the last year.

I'm sitting here at my desk at this huge corporation and everything is the same.  It is fake and pointless and dull and destructive. 

I thought that I had pulled myself up from my slump, but I wonder if I never did?  Maybe I just pulled myself from the bottom, but I never cleared the ditch.

Furthermore, as of late, I keep making the choice to take the wrong path (towards success) even though I know that it takes away from what's true more than what it gives back.  I have been in deep thought over how I could work for a corporation that would tell someone that even though they are sick, that if they leave that they will receive a disciplinary action which resulted in the employee going to the E.R.  This deeply bothers me as I know this is not acceptable; it is not humane.

So I know what you are thinking (as am I), so now what?

Here's what I do know, I will soon change my path again.  I am vowing to give back and take less.  I am vowing to be the one that stands up to the "machine" and say "no" - it is not acceptable.

OK, so enough of that.  My birthday is tomorrow and I am planning a very relaxing day of good music, good food and good fun.  I have nothing planned but sometimes nothing is everything and more.

Later.

Shakira - Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) (The Official 2010 FIFA ...

You've gotta be kidding me....

Every week, we are suppose to submit feedback regarding the training process and for the last 2 weeks since we've had someone new, they have completely disregarded this process.

Here's the deal, someone said in class today that maybe things would improve if we wrote down what should be improved... and suddenly, with the ignored matter being address, the "trainer" decided to request that everyone submit their suggestions.  I ignored him, of course.

Oh, I forgot to say that on day 1 of having this new trainer that we had "words".  I said exactly what I felt and how ridiculous I thought he was and it's a done deal.

I will just say this, negative energy just builds more negative energy.  This is a proven fact. 

What's even more ridiculous is that he is taking away from the company and they are blind to this fact. 

Check the history of the dinosaurs.

OK... so listen to this -

Once upon a time in a land far far south, there was this guy that started this new job (as most people know) and everything was good.  Um, perfect even.   He was pretty excited and overall morale was great.  He gave his-self fully.  They painted a picture of this great kingdom with gum drops and chocolate for breakfast.  This environment where everyone sang in unisom and held hands and laughed; they played.  At last, nothing ever stays the same - HUH.

So suddenly a darkness came over the kingdom and everything quickly changed for the worst.  This normally gentle being had to release the beast.  He became resentful and full of anger.  There was a great divide and nothing will ever be the same for him or this kingdom. 

As he gathered himself, he realized that no place of work in this world deserved this type of energy and this mythical loving kingdom never existed.  It was all a rouse.  A sad, ugly, unkind, loud-mouthed, ego-tistical rouse.

So he let it go.  He let it all go.  And He regained his composure.  He regained his life-force.  He regained his "fight" and went on with his eyes wide open to exist in this new day.

The END.

Question.... what do you think the moral of the story is?

I'm back and better than ever....

Ok, so let's be real here.  That other place did not work out.  Um... I knew that on day week, then 1 week and then the last day.  It was hillarious though how it ended.  I just let and was like, whatever, I'm not coming back.  Even though I was pretty much offered a leadership role, the company sucked.

Dear Corporations a/k/a Dinosaurs:

You must evolve or die.

I will share more later.

Dreaming while awake.

It's almost been a month since I last posted anything and I have no excuse.  I was texting with a friend the other day and I had casually mentioned that I really didn't have any memory of the last few weeks.

I can just remember going to work and home.  The deal is that I used to be able to work and do a job whether or not I felt a connection with it.   Everything has completely changd now and it completely drains me to think of that place.  I'm sure we've all been there before so my situation is really quite "normal".

So what I've decided to do is to make sure that I blog no less than every other night before bed.  I'm going to carve that time out to write down my thoughts and decompress.

Later

FLASH BACK...... My Thoughts

This was written by me and posted on my myspace page, December 19, 2007:

Invisibly Magnificent


I am open.


Vulnerable to this time and space.

Restless nights seem to become more.

I see not until now.

I have done it again.

This cycle is on repeat.

Just Stop!

Just Stop!

Yet I remain the ghost.

Invisibly magnificent.

Intelligent.

Weak.

Those eyes, that smile.

You.

This cycle is on constant repeat.

And Like a thief, you take my breathe.

My beat.

My life.

I do not want this.

I feel helpless.

Hopeless.

Afraid.

Blinded by your energy.

Your glory.

I stand before you……… empty.

Yet full of you.

In my eyes, a ghost.

Again, restlessness pours down.

Confused and ashamed.

I become an infant in your glory.

If I make it thru again,

I will give anything.

Anything not to feel.

Not to breathe.

Not to cry.

Not to have this restlestness.

To be this ghost.

Your rest is endless.

I'm not as lucky.

But I am invisible.

Magnificent.

Confused.

Lost.

A child.

I acknowledge this cycle of repeat.

I press stop.

I want this not.

I can't.

And somehow won't.

You owe me this.

You owe me nothing.

I lay.

Wide awake.

Open.

Vulnerable.

A ghost created by me.

The What, When & Why's

At what point in time did it become acceptable for a place of opportunity to demand from you more than humanly possible? I mean, the demands are beyond the reimbursement for the act. Who was that first person that said, ok I will accept your abuse and try my best to live off of "nothing" because I need a job. The fact is, there's no corporation without employees, so why do we accept this abuse? Can someone tell me why?

Maybe there is an "I" in "Team".

I sat in my first team meeting this weeking and there was a common theme.  I constantly heard the phrase "my team" and after that I really couldn't tell you what was said because I wasn't listening and neither was anyone else.  The body language of the group was one of distance and lack of interest.  But this was definitely understandable afterall we don't really "show up" for things that we don't feel connected to right?

Anyway, a co-worker asked me what I thought about the job so far with a smirk and kind of a wink.  I said, well I haven't been here 30 days yet but something is definitely odd or interesting.  She said, "ok, just wait a little longer".  I asked her to elaborate but she wouldn't.  She just smile and her facial impression said it all.  She very clearly affirmed everything that I had observed and had mentioned since week 1.

The good news is, at the end of the "my" team speech, the "leader" did affirm that we are all on the same team which completely erased the 50 times she said "my and mine" during the meeting, right?

Steadily approaching day 30....

And it all seems like a blurr.  I can't believe it has been almost a month. 

So if time flies by when we are having fun, then does time race at the speed of light when you're in hell?  Just saying.

Before I forget, Happy "VD" people.  I had to work today so I didn't have to endure all of the madness.  I even received a very thoughtful text message from a friend which said:  "Even tho u don't endulge.... Happy Valentines Day sweetie."  For those of you who don't know, I was on a rant a couple of months ago about people and the holidays and blah blah blah so I know exactly where she was coming from and I understand completely.

Let me take a moment to clear my name (LOL).  I do not hate or boycott any "holiday"; rather I just don't see them to be any special than any other day.  I guess what I'm saying is that if I am boycotting, it would be the commercialism of everything and the massive debt that it creates. 

Picture this:  Easter.  What comes to mind?  I'm sure in the top 10 would probably be a new pastel colored suit, hard-boiled eggs, marshmallow ducks and a basket.  Ha ha ha ha !!  I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that, I'm just saying that I choose not to give it much value.  Holidays are what we decide.

My favorite holiday used to be "Drunk Sunday".   Every Sunday I would go out for mexican food and tons of margaritas with friends and drink until we could no longer speak.  Afterwards, we would crawl into bed and dream "like there was no tomorrow".  It was completely perfect and a once a week celebration that I am planning to bring back soon.  I feel drunk just thinking about it... but I digress.

It's been a month and what have I learned from life and this experience:  Simply put... just listen, follow your heart and take chances.  No one has ever created the life of their dreams by playing it safe and coloring inside the lines.

Note to self:  "Time to get more crayons."

Dear "People of the Sauce":  Drunkenly spending money at a "bar" that you don't have (or will remember spending) does not equate fraud or beget you into a victim.  FYI.

September by. Earth, Wind and Fire

My song of the day...and this never gets old or boring!! Loves it.

It's Friday morning and I am so over this place. I am doing some heavy soul searching to find a smile. Wish me LUCK or pour me a drink!!  Preferrably the latter.  :)

EGo

So I've been thinking:

Are we truly shocked when something tragic happens (like death, illness, etc.) in our circle?  Or does the shock stem from the re-acknowledgment of the reality that we truly can not be the center of everything? 

There are many factors in life that we really have no control of..... we have to adjust the best we can.  Even still when tragedy happens, we often feel as if "our" world has ended.  This great tragedy can sometimes quickly become this big self-attention-getting act of injustice done to us.

Are we really that selfish?  Is everything really about "us"?

A snow day returneth !! (Beginning of Week 4)

Ok so here's the deal, I was trying to be a good boy and I went to work this morning.  But guess what??  Not a dang member of "leadership" was there.  Not a 1 of them.

Go figure.

Now I know that you may be in shock right now so I'll give you a few minutes to breathe and get a glass of water.

And....... welcome back!

Now then, I wasn't shocked or surprised being that this very thing had happened the week prior.  And not that I actually care, I just thought it was hillarious since just a couple of weeks prior they (the supposed-leaders) were doing herkies and hand-stands about how much they love work and the importance of showing up everyday (thankfully I'm not buying what they are selling).

I mean, paint me old fashioned but a leader leads by example.  The absurdness of "do what I say not what I do" doesn't even work with children.  Plus it creates a bigger division which decreases morale and productivity... blah blah blah. 

With all of that said, I am completely disappointed that I've had 2 snow days in the last 2 weeks and I was so irresponsibly responsible that I got out of bed at 6am, had breakfast, showered, dressed and went to work for a half day.  Why oh why didn't I just follow the lead and sleep in, have a bloody mary at 9am with my eggs and live the good life.  Apparently everyone else did.

Right!?!

What year did you feel the most content with life?

For me, it's 2003.

I felt really settled.  I was (still am) very comfortable with the paths that I had chosen.  I was eager, loved, and loving.

That's why I love music so.... .all it took was me finding some digital music from 03'/04' era and all of those feelings from then has resurfaced.  That year was the year before I made some vast changes in my life.  But as we all know, never get to comfortable, because life will shake everything up..... make you re-think everything and hopefully make us stronger.

I was so different then but in some ways the same, you know?  I was broken-hearted but hopeful and so full of life.  Sometimes I think, at what point did I give up?  ....on my dreams and my desires and my future and settled for... anything.

It seems as though I have come full-circle and I am not fighting this rather accepting what is because it is the present.  I am learning from the mistakes I made and I've flagged those paths that I took that are dangerous (and often too exciting) for me.

Still, I can't help but wander how it would feel just to let go again and just go........ no mind.

Change is the one thing that is truly inevitable.

Thursday - Week 3 (And it keeps getting better and better)

So here's the deal, I told "leadership" yesterday what everyone was thinking (I'm always pulling for the under-dog).    I told them it was frustrating and unacceptable to have road blocks in the way of success and I made it very clear that it is "leadership's" responsibility to remove in "blocks" that was in the way of success.   I knew the response I would get, but I had to hear it.  Are you ready?  I was told, "I know and I'm sorry.  I have expressed that opinion many times but nothing has changed." 

HA HA HA HA HA!!!

They too have given up. 

Dear Big Corporations,

If you are still curious about why you are not succeeding, then you must live under a rock.

Love,

Me.

I'm at work today and the overall morale is low. The little things does matter and can quickly make work stressful, insignificant and just blah. Week 3!!

Exactly what's needed

I've been thinking lately about my path and my past which has shaped who I am.  Time seems to have picked up the pace a bit more.  I have now been in Little Rock for 3 months and I can't really tell you what I've done or why.  But here's what I do know, I painted this picture.  I am the creator.

So...... on Friday, the weather was challenging and that gave a lot of people a 3 day weekend.  I'm sure everyone needed a long weekend.  Strangely though, it didn't seem any longer or shorter.  It seems as if time is but an abstract idea.  Well, correction, there is no time rather a perception of it.  3 days can seem like a life time and it can equally seem like 1 night.

Turning the auto-pilot off isn't as easy as it may seem at first.  Which auto-pilot you ask?  Well, I mean, living life without even being present.  Mostly, while we are in the shower, we are thinking about what we need to do when we get out of the shower and a lot of times, we step out of the shower and don't even remember feeling the water on our face.  But we know that we did take the shower.  We have become these robots.  I can remember driving to work many many times and pulling up to the building and not even remember driving, just obsessively trapped in a cycle of endless thoughts.

But enough about that.  Here's the bottom line:  Life will give you the exact experience that is needed to obtain what you really want from life.

Right now, I need to write without the filters that's usually turned on HIGH so that I can re-visit these thoughts and continue to grow.

Life does move very quickly, and during this very fast long weekend, yet another light was turned down. 

I breathe and I move forward.

Now as far as the new job goes, it's ok.  But just ok.  The positive to that situation is that the days go by fast and my insurance will be active tomorrow.  YAY!!!!

But this I will say, once you open your eyes and see that you are in a cage.... a cage that was created to keep you looking forward and never around, you can't pretend like the cage doesn't exist.  With that said, ignorance can very much be oh so blissful.